Words From The ATS-BOT

It was Monday morning in southwest Louisiana, already hot, already humid, and Ryan hadn't gotten enough sleep because he decided to play video games until the early hours of the morning. Needing a little extra help to get going, he poured a hot cup of coffee, sat down at his desk, and he fired up Artie, his ATS bot. Artie was no ordinary ATS bot, the was slick, programmed by the meanest recruiters alive and given the computing power of three datacenters. He could get review and reject 1000 applicants before Ryan could get through a cup of coffee, and that was saying something. Once after a holiday weekend Artie was running so fast not even Chuck Norris could keep up. No joke, I once saw Artie break into the datacenter of a major job board, and eat all of the resume databases so NOBODY would be able to get a job. He's a mean bastard, but he's effective.

While the bot was doing its thing, Ryan took a shower, poured another cup of coffee and sat down at his desk to find all of the applications had been burned up, and he didn't even have to look at them himself. The bot had not only shredded the digital applications, it had also sent out emails to those who applied with an impersonal message saying thanks but no thanks, laughing at the jobseekers effort of filling out the application, laughing and crying out "better luck next time"! He acknowledged his magical bot with a nod of his head, and an air cheers with his coffee cup, and since his job had been done for him already, he turned on his XBOX and started playing some games. See, Ryan is a recruiter, and he doesn't want to fill any positions, nor does he have to so he prefers to do absolutely nothing.

Shortly after lunch Ryan hadn't heard back from his bot notifying him of the perfect applicant that can perform the duties of all his open positions for half the cost of a box of gobstoppers, so he decided to do some investigating. Although it took some doing, Ryan pieced together some of those rejected applications, and while he was lining them all out and getting ready to tape them up so he could read them, one of them jumped up and started dancing. As soon as one jumped up, the other started to follow. Within a matter of seconds there were 15 dancing resumes singing a magical song of relevant buzzwords. "Man, these are good" he says, "I will have to talk to that bot, he's missing some candidate gold". Ryan submitted those 15 resumes over to his hiring managers, he didn't even call the folks to discuss the details, he just sent them right over. Just as the last one hit the manager's inbox, the first manager had sent through an offer, already accepted by the candidate for $300,000 over their previous salary with a generous work from the moon policy, with commuter benefits included.

From that moment on, Ryan saw the need to change up his strategy, and let that poor bot go. From then on, Ryan reviewed every resume, only to find they were all highly qualified and able to do every job in the company, so there was no need for that bot anyway. Ryan, realizing there really wasn't a need for him any longer, gathered up all of his loot, the left over money from his lowballed offers, and he retired, disappeared, and he was never heard from again.

Or was he?